


Semi-Aquatic

by Raggedpelt



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-24
Updated: 2017-04-26
Packaged: 2018-10-09 22:30:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10423215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raggedpelt/pseuds/Raggedpelt
Summary: When a mission goes very awry, Agent P finds his nerves of steel put to the test. This fic follows the overall "pattern" of a real episode.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I'm new to writing for this fandom, so please comment and let me know how I'm doing with the character "voices". I've found that if my dialogue is off, it's much easier for me to adjust it in the first few fics rather than after I've learned bad habits.

“Alright, Carl,” Monogram grumbled, stepping into the O.W.C.A. nursery, “What is it you wanted to show me?”

“Just a moment, sir,” the intern replied as he fiddled with a microwave, “It’s feeding time and I need to make sure I have the milk at the right temperature.”

After a long and successful career of nearly ten years, their top field agent Barry the Beaver had resigned following the death of his nemesis, Dr. Dementorius. While the death of the evil scientist had afforded them a few years of relative peace and quiet, it had also left something of a power vacuum. Recent intelligence had informed them that a new player was on the scene, some mad scientist by the name of Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz. He hadn’t yet made any major moves, but judging by the amount of supplies and equipment being funneled into his new building, it was clear that a villainous base of operations would soon be functional.

“We don’t have time for this. Have you called C.O.W.C.A. back yet?” Major Mongram asked.

“Yes, sir,” Carl replied, “They still don’t have any spare beaver kits. The good news is, I was able to source a semi-aquatic mammal more locally!” He reached into the bottom of one of the nursery cages, and pulled out a tiny bundle of teal fur.

“Carl, what the hell is that?”

“It’s a platypus, sir” he responded, dipping a small paintbrush into the container of warm milk, then holding it up to the tiny creature, “His bill can’t form a seal around the bottle, but he’s been doing well with the paintbrush!”

The tiny platypus eagerly ate, seemingly oblivious to Major Monogram’s presence.

The Major scowled, “Well, we DO need a replacement semi-aquatic agent on hand, the sooner the better. Barry could hold his breath for 15 minutes straight if he needed to. Can a platypus match that?”

“Well… no,” Carl admitted, “A platypus can only hold its breath under water for a minute or two. They’re strong, active swimmers, though!”

“What about his teeth? Agent B’s teeth had enamel like iron, and he could chew his way out of almost any situation.”

“Er, platypuses don’t actually HAVE teeth, either, just grinding plates. But they make up for it! They have sensitive electro-receptors in their bills, and males like this little guy have venomous spurs on their hind legs!”

Monogram peered at the small creature, which was no bigger than Carl’s palm. The infant animal stared back at him with an empty, vacant expression. He suspected that even with all the best training O.W.C.A. had to offer, this new “recruit” wasn’t going to do much.


	2. Chapter 2

“Island lairs,” Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz said to no one in particular, “Are extremely underrated. True, it would have been better to have, y’know a proper volcano lair in the middle of a stormy sea like my mentor had, but this little setup in the middle of Lake Danville isn’t too shabby. We’ve got a nice breeze coming in and everything!”

He tightened down the last bolt, then tossed the wrench aside, stepping back to behold his latest Inator. Part of him wanted to throw the switch and get this party started, but he had to wait for Perry the Platypus to arrive. Setting your evil scheme into motion before your nemesis had arrived and tried to stop you was just… bad form.

Unfortunately, the Pitch-Black-Inator generated a MASSIVE amount of heat. Too much for Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated, so he had had to move the device to his mid-lake lair so that he could install a water-cooling system to prevent it from overheating. The change was a last minute one, so he hadn’t had a chance to let his nemesis know about the change of venue. He had left Norm back at the main lair to direct Perry here, but there was still probably going to be a delay.

Heinz double-checked the huge, bright green net he had left hanging over a window he had left purposefully open. It was a wonderfully obvious trap—and Perry would never fall for it. It was visible from afar, so the agent would be able to spot it far in advance and abort any hang-glider lair entrance. He wasn’t entirely certain that platypuses had color vision, so he had chosen a light green that would contrast nicely against the darkness behind it.

At this time of day, the front door of the lair was in shadow, which would make seeing under it easier. Heinz had ground away about a centimeter and a half from the foot of the door. It ruined it’s waterproofing, but it would allow Perry _just enough_ space to see the menacing shadows cast on the floor. In truth, the shadows were from several old broken Inators that Heinz had piled up and strategically illuminated, but their shadow looked enough like a trap that a cautious agent like Perry the Platypus would never risk it. Just to ensure that the door would not be tried, Heinz had left it unlocked.

His nemesis did not typically bring a bomb kit with him, so Heinz had welded several random wires to the roof hatch, making sure that one was just SLIGHTLY visible from the outside. It had taken him nearly fifteen minutes to make it look like it was intended to be hidden from view. This “fake bomb” would prevent the roof hatch from being attempted.

Now, the actual trap was an underwater intake pipe. Heinz had made Norm pound the screen on the end of it shut, so it would take Perry a bit of work to pry it open. Once Perry had swum about halfway up the pipe, he would trigger some carefully hidden sensors, causing the water to divert him into a cage which would then be conveniently dropped into the fancy fish tank that he had installed in the lair proper.

Heinz normally had much more elaborate misdirections and such in place to guarantee that his nemesis would enter the lair in the proper area to trigger his traps, so he couldn’t help but heave a sigh of relief when he heard the tell-tale splash of the titanium cage being delivered into his fishtank.

“Ah, Perry the Platypus, how good of you to join my TERRIFYING MAN-EATING FISH! And by terrifying and man-eating, I mean not-terrifying at all. They’re.. they’re not even real piranhas, they’re just pacu. Same taxonomic family, but totally harmless. I’m pretty sure they’re vegetarian, actually. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I ASKED for piranhas, but Norm brought me these instead. He named them Spike and Sheila. Frankly, it’s embarrassing.”

Perry, for his part, wasn’t even listening. Instead, the agent was rattling the door of the cage, and tugging experimentally at the padlock. Rude. Still, Heinz continued undeterred. “BEHOLD, my PITCH-BLACK-INATOR! With the button on this hand-held controller, I will plunge the entire tri-state area into darkness! The darkness will make everyone so sad, they will be completely unmotivated to stop me as I seize control, and--” He glanced back at the cage, where Perry had seized one of his fake coral decorations, and was sawing frantically at the bars with it.

“Perry the Platypus, those are made out of rubber. You can’t cut titanium bars with them. Now look, I put a lot of work into this inator, and I’d appreciate it if you’d have the common courtesy to…” Heinz trailed off, watching as his nemesis stopped sawing. The platypus reached through the bars, grasping desperately at the airline that fed the bubble-wall at the far end of the tank, but it was out of his reach, “. . . Perry the Platypus, are you alright?”

Norm let himself in the front door just then, knocking over the stack of inators that had been strategically piled there, “Hello, sir! Where would you like me to put these new power cells?”

“Over on the supply table. Norm? Platyp-whatever-the-plural-is can breathe under water, right?”

“No, no they can’t! They are only SEMI-aquatic!”

A jolt of panic leapt through Heinz, and he hurled the Inator’s controller into the glass of the tank as hard as he could. The glass cracked, then shattered, allowing the water to drain out of the tank in a torrent. He kicked the sparking, spluttering controller aside, and unlocked the cage, pulling out the limp, unmoving platypus.

* * *

* * *

* * *

It felt like lava.

Perry’s lungs and stomach burned as he retched, bringing up more water. His limbs and tail felt unnaturally heavy, and he couldn’t remember ever feeling so disoriented or exhausted. He took another deep breath of air, which caused his stomach to seize again and he brought up more water. Slowly, though, breathing became easier (though his lungs still burned), and the fog over his thoughts started to clear. Something cold and metal prodded him.

“Norm! Give him some space! Perry the platypus, a-are you alright?”

Perry found he didn’t have the energy to respond properly; he just shut his eyes and focused on breathing.

“He’s not going to die now, is he, Norm?”

“I don’t know! Botany is for nerds!”

“Botany is PLANTS, Norm!”

Perry opened his eyes again, and scanned his surroundings for a better tactical positon. Weak or not, he couldn’t remain this exposed, just in case Doofenshmirtz’s villainous tendencies got the better of him.

“At least we learned an effective way to defeat him, sir! This is much easier than getting a zoning permit to build a mini-mall on his habitat!”

He rolled onto his belly, getting his feet under him. Though not exactly dignified, he dashed under the couch on all fours.

“Oh, thank goodness,” Doofenshmirtz said, walking over and kneeling down, “What are you doing? There’s nothing under there against dust bunnies.”

Perry replied with an angry chatter.

“Norm, do you speak platypus?”

“If you live in this country, you should speak the language!” came the robot’s overly cheery reply.

“Norm! That’s not very nice!”

There was a floor-level vent under the sofa. An experimental tug found that it could be easily pulled free.

“Well, you learned English, sir! I don’t see why our new pet can’t do the same!”

“Because he’s an animal, Norm! ….And we’re not keeping him! There would be no way I could complete any evil schemes with him around! He would constantly get out of his cage and ruin my plans!”

“How exactly is that different from what we do anyway?”

The sound of their arguing faded into the background as Perry made his way down the vent. The going was slow and painful, but after what felt like forever, he finally made his way to the outside. All he had to do was swim the lake, back over to where he had parked his hang-glider, and make his way back home. It wouldn’t be a hard swim. Just 100 yards of calm, placid water. He took a moment to steady himself, steeled his nerves, and…

…failed to dive in.

It was a minor setback. He wasn’t AFRAID of the water, of course. That would have been ridiculous for an agent of his training, experience, and well, species. Actually, his species explained it. Completely. This wasn’t fear. This was merely an instinctive indication that he wasn’t physically ready to make that swim. It wasn’t fear, it was _instinct_. After all, given his brush with death, he was exhausted and his lungs still hurt.

The sky overhead rumbled ominously, so he turned and climbed back into the vent. Inside the lair, he would be more sheltered from the elements, and could physically recover from this CLEARLY physical setback. By the time the weather cleared, he was certain he would be ready to go.


	3. Chapter 3

It had been three days since any of them had seen their pet. Playing recorded platypus chatter hadn’t worked this time. Neither had a giant musical concert calling him back home. And, although her brothers were building something huge and dangerous-looking, and her mom was right across the street at Mrs. Garcia-Shapiro’s house, Candace found she just didn’t have it in her heart to bust them. They just had an air of resignation hanging over them that she had never seen before.

“So, uh, what does it do?” she asked.

“It’s going to make up a ton of flyers,” Phineas answered, holding up a sheet with a picture of Perry and the words ‘HAVE YOU SEEN THIS PLATYPUS?’, “And it’ll post them on every single vertical surface in the Tri-State area. If that doesn’t work, all I have to do is flip the switch that Ferb is installing, and it’ll go global.”

Ferb stepped back, set down his rivet gun, and dusted off his hands.

“Oh, looks like it’s ready to go,” Phineas said, glancing over his shoulder, then back up at Candace, “Would you like to do the honors?”

“Sure,” Candace said, walking over to hit the button. The giant robot strode off down the street, wallpapering houses and electrical poles and cars with missing platypus posters. “So, um, is that all you guys are gonna do today?”

“I think so,” Phineas replied, looking down, “My heart’s not really in it today.”

“Maybe you could, I dunno,” Candace said, “Make something special for if Perry comes back?”

“When.” Ferb corrected.

“Huh?”

“ _When_ Perry comes back.”

 

* * *

* * *

* * *

 

Four days. Four ENTIRE days, and Perry the Platypus had not bothered to show up. Heinz Doofenshmirtz had made, and wasted, four brilliant inators back at Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated. Wonderful, diabolical pieces of art! And he hadn’t gotten to use a single one of them because he was stuck waiting for his no-show of a nemesis.

Honestly, at this point, he was starting to get a little worried. Maybe he had lost his spark? Maybe his latest inators had not been good enough to catch the agency’s attention. After giving it some thought, he had returned to his island lair to take another crack at the Pitch-Black-Inator. The device itself was unharmed, just the controller, so getting it patched up for evil tomorrow should be no problem.

Well, the PLAN had been to work on it tomorrow, but the longer Heinz laid here staring at the ceiling and listening to the sound of the waves hitting the dock, the more obvious it became that he wasn’t going to be sleeping tonight. He considered maybe just getting up and having a drink or two to make himself sleepy, since Vanessa was at her mother’s right now, but experience had taught him that the only thing worse than losing to Perry the Platypus was losing to Perry _while hungover._

Maybe a snack and some warm milk? That was supposed to help you sleep, right? Of course, Heinz was lactose intolerant, so maybe skip the milk. Just a snack, then. A quick snack, and then he’d go back to bed, and work on the Inator in the morning. Then Perry would show up, and they would fight, and everything would be back to normal.

He sat up, popped out his grind-guard, and felt around for his fuzzy slippers. Well, PREVIOUSLY fuzzy. Since the front door was no longer waterproof due to his grinding down the bottom, water had a tendency to seep in under it and soak the floor. Heinz had solved the problem by ingeniously coating his fuzzy slippers in rubber sealant. They weren’t very comfortable or warm anymore, but they WERE waterproof!

As he trudged to the kitchen, he wasn’t surprised to see that the floor was damp. He WAS, however, surprised to see Perry the Platypus helping himself to the shrimp tray out of the fridge. “Perry the Platypus!? What are you doing?”

The monotreme froze, looking up at him with wide eyes. With a nervous grin, he closed the shrimp tray, putting the plastic lid on it.

“You stand me up FOUR DAYS IN A ROW, and now all of the sudden you’re stealing my shrimp? How did you get in here without me noticing, anyway?” After all, Heinz had been awake. There hadn’t been any crash and there were no new holes in the walls…

The platypus just looked ashamed of himself. Although he couldn’t answer verbally, he pointed over at the sofa.

“You were hiding under the sofa the whole time?” Heinz replied, baffled. Perry nodded. “Well, you need to go home, Perry the Platypus. I can’t build Inators with you here. Go on, the door is that way. I know it looks trapped, but it is just a clever ruse.”

Perry took a deep breath, and trudged towards the door. He had the misfortune to open it just as a wave hit the island. Heinz had had the same thing happen only about six hundred times, and it always resulted in being soaked with filthy lake-water right up to his knees. Perry, however, was shorter, so he was greeted with a wave of water right to the face. He retreated in a teal blur, disappearing back under the couch.

“…Perry the platypus, what is wrong with you? You’ve never had any problems leaving the lair before.” He kneeled down to peer under the couch at his nemesis. Perry was looking miserable and shaking the water from his fur. “Is it the water?”

Perry looked back at him for a long moment, then looked down and nodded.

“Well, I may feel a teensy tiny bit, uh, responsible for that whole accident. Here, come on out, I’ll take you home. Where do you live?”

The agent came out, but narrowed his eyes when Heinz asked where he lived.

“Oh, for crying out loud. You are so suspicious and closed off. I’m not asking for _evil_ purposes. And would it kill you to open up just a little bit? You know almost an entire third of my long and tragic backstory, and I don’t know any of yours at all!” He rested his hand on his chin, “Then again, I suppose gaining an irrational fear of water due to a diabolically brilliant and ingenious trap could COUNT as a tragic backstory. Tragic enough to be villainous, even! …No? No, alright. Help me find the keys to the boat, and I’ll just… drop you off on the shore, okay? Okay.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay on this chapter, and that it's a bit short. I'm currently in the end-of-semester crunch. More is on the way!

That morning, Phineas awoke to the feeling of a warm suede-like bill burrowing between his cheek and the pillow, and soft, dense fur against his neck. _That’s odd,_ he thought, still muddled by sleep, _Perry always sleeps down by the foot of the bed._

Then it hit him. PERRY!

He sat up in excitement, eliciting a startled chatter from his pet. “Ferb! Ferb, wake up! Perry’s back! He came back!” Although Phineas knew that platypeople were not the most touchy-feely of pets, he couldn’t help but scoop Perry into a hug. Perry chattered in response, bonked Phineas’s cheek lightly with his bill, then hopped clumsily out of his lap and off the bed. The monotreme shuffled over to the other bed, where he climbed up into Ferb’s waiting lap. Ferb also got a cheek-bonk.

“Aww, looks like he missed us too,” Phineas said.

Mom peeked in the door at them, “What is all the yelling about?”

“Look, Mom!” he replied in excitement, “Perry came home!”

Ferb held the monotreme up for her to see.

She smiled. “See, I told you he’d find his way home. Well, your father and I are going to work in getting that mess in the basement sorted out. It’d be a good day for _you two_ to work on that closet of yours.”

“Aw, come on, Mom,” Phineas said, “Can’t we please spend today just playing with Perry?”

“Well… alright,” she said. Mom gave a little shake of her head, then headed downstairs.

“Hey Ferb, I know what we’re going to do today. …And, well, tomorrow too.”

 

**********

Meanwhile, just down the hall, a full-scale crisis was taking place.

“And I asked how I should dress, and he said, ‘Just wear what you normally wear.’ What could he possibly mean by that?!” Candace asked, pacing as she spoke.

“Maybe he means that you don’t have to dress up at all for it,” came Stacy’s bored reply over the phone. Clearly, she wasn’t taking this seriously enough.

“But what if he’s being subtle? What if that’s his subtle way of saying my clothes are boring? ‘What you normally wear’. What if I’ve become predictable!?” Candace started to head downstairs to get herself some breakfast. “I mean, he’s a guy. Have you seen the video games he plays? They’re constant stimulation and noise and action! How can I compete with that!? What if I’m too boring and predictable and serene and it’s boring him and he thinks I’m boring and he wants to break up!?!”

“Too serene,” replied Stacy. Candace wasn’t sure if it was a statement or a question or agreement or veiled criticism. Her friend didn’t elaborate. “What time is he coming over again, anyway?”

“He said he’d stop by this afternoon,” Candace replied, digging through the pantry, “Which technically means he could get here as early as 12:01 p.m., and I don’t want to get caught unawares. I have to figure out how I’m supposed to dress AND make sure my hair looks perfect by then, and I only have a few hours!”

Something nudged Candaces ankle, and she looked down to see Perry sitting up on his hind legs. She knelt down and patted him on the head. “Oh, there you are! Where’ve you been the past few days?”

“What?”

“Sorry, Stacy,” she said, standing back up, “Perry finally came back.”

“It’s been a couple days, hasn’t it?”

“Yeah, my brothers have been pretty worried. I don’t-“ The platypus chattered, and nudged her legs again. Once again, he sat up on his hind legs. “What do you want?”

“I… don’t want anything?”

“I’ll call you back, Stacy,” Candace said, hanging up. She looked over at Perry’s bowl, which was full of his smelly gross food. “Your bowl is _full_ , Perry.”

Perry stared at her with implacable stupidity, and chattered again. He rose up on his hind-legs a bit higher, wobbling with the effort it took to keep his balance when he wasn’t on all fours. A moment later, he lost the fight with gravity and tipped over sideways. The monotreme flailed his legs in a clumsy sort of way as he slowly righted himself.

Candace rolled her eyes, then looked back into the pantry. Then she noticed that the box of cereal she was reaching for was right next to the tin of waxworms that her mom had bought to give him as treats. Oh.

She heaved a sigh. “ _Fine,_ but only because you were missing.” She opened the tin, and pulled out a fat, white, squirming waxworm. SO gross. It twisted in a way she wasn’t expecting, causing her to drop it with a yelp. Perry snapped and easily caught it before it hit the ground.

Candace was pretty sure she had just witnessed the only coordinated movement that stupid meat-brick had made in his entire life. She put the tin back, and grabbed the box of cereal. “Okay, you had your treat, now scram. I need to get ready.”


	5. Chapter 5

Isabella stepped out her front door, just as several large delivery trucks (apparently from _Escar-To-Go,_ _Larry’s Discount Larva_ , and _Kenny’s Crayfish Kingdom_ ) were pulling away from the Flynn-Fletcher household. Apparently, they had already gotten started on today’s project. She had a feeling whatever it was, it was going to be a little bit gross. But that was okay; a little grossness was a small price to pay for being able to spend time near Phineas.

When she got to the backyard, Phineas and Ferb were nowhere in sight. However, a pair of round portals with a canal connecting them had been constructed in the middle of the yard. Water flowed out of one portal, through the canal, and disappeared into the other. She walked a bit closer to see where it was coming from, but the other side of the portals were dark. Apparently wherever they led to, it was night.

“Hi Isabella!” Phineas was walking out the back door. Ferb was following him with Perry in his arms.

“Hi Phineas! What’cha doin’?”

“We just finished the Perry-tastic Synthetic Creek!” he said in his wonderful, melodious voice, “It’s actually an improvement on a design our dad made about five years ago…”

He trailed off, and Isabella got the impression of the air around him… almost rippling, somehow. It wasn’t something she could _see_ so much as _sense_. “Uhm, Phineas? Phineas? …Is he going into a flashback? Phineas, I can’t see anything.”

Ferb put a hand on Phineas’s perfect shoulder, which brought him back to reality.  “Oh, sorry Isabella. See, when we first got Perry, our dad took Candace’s old wading pool, filled it half-full with rocks of various sizes, then hid Perry’s food in it so he could splash around and dig around. He loves it! We usually do that a few times for him every summer, but this summer with all the big adventures we’ve been having, we haven’t gotten around to it.”

Ferb set Perry down, and nudged him towards the canal.

“So, we decided to do it right,” Phineas continued, “We created a big replica of the platypus’s natural habitat, and filled it with his favorite foods! Snails, insect larva, worms, crayfish, that sort of thing. And for added authenticity, we’re using portals to import water directly from an Australian creek! Go on, Perry! Try it out!”

Perry looked up at Phineas, then at the water.

“That’s right, Perry,” Isabella said, kneeling down, “Go ahead.”

Perry continued to stare at the water for a very long moment, then sat down.

“Huh,” Phineas said, scooping up Perry in his flawless arms. (Perry was _so lucky_ ). He carried him over and tried to set him in the water, only to have the platypus climb up over his shoulder to avoid it, “Perry? Perry! It’s okay! It’s just like the kiddy pool.”

The monotreme slipped out of his grasp, climbed down his back, and ran behind Ferb.

“Are you okay?” Isabella said in alarm, getting back to her feet, “He didn’t sting you, right?”

“No, of course not,” Phineas said in a reassuring tone. He was so brave. “Perry’s still got his spurs, but he’d never sting us. I wonder why he’s acting like this. Usually he loves digging out food, even if he’s not very hungry. Maybe something happened while he was away? Maybe we should just forget all about this project and just run away together forever.”

“What?”

“I said maybe our simulation isn’t accurate enough. Are you okay? It looked like we kind of lost you there for a second.”

Isabella blushed a bit, “I-I’m fine. …Speaking of lost, where’s Perry?” Their pet had disappeared from where he was hiding behind Ferb.

* * *

* * *

* * *

 

Heinz was still putting the finishing touches on his Twenty-Feet-Lower-Inator when Perry the Platypus arrived, deftly landing his hang-glider on the hovering platform. He had had to abandon the Pitch-Black-Inator again, seeing as how it was on the island lair, which Perry currently had difficulty reaching. Fortunately, a fear of water did nothing to prevent his nemesis from hang gliding up here. “Aaah, Perry the Platypus! Sorry, I’m still finishing up. Running a bit behind today.”

Perry glanced around, tapped a webbed foot on the floor a few times, then frowned up at him.

“Oh, you landed a skutch too far to the left. Well, my left, so it’s probably your.. right? Is that right? I think it’s right. If you wouldn’t mind?”

Perry rolled his eyes, took a step to his right, and immediately had a net dropped over him.

“There you go. Good and trapped. Anyway, sorry about not being ready to go. Norm installed a reciprocating saw on himself this morning, and he put it, y’know, in kind of an awkward place, so I had to figure out how to explain—would you mind kicking me that wrench”

Perry gave the wrench a hard kick; Heinz artfully caught it with his face. Ow. No matter. Just a few more bolts to tighten, and…. “Behold, Perry the Platypus! My Twenty-Feet-Lower-Inator! So, it turns out City Hall is installing a twenty foot tall statue of my brother, _Roger._ So, y’know, I’m just going to fly over there and blast it with this, lowering it twenty feet into the ground. Then it’ll be future archaeologists’ problem, not mine.”

He turned just in time to see that Perry the Platypus had managed to free himself, and was flying through the air in mid-kick. By some miracle, Heinz managed to duck in time, and the agent’s foot instead landed on the “fire” button. The Inator discharged, knocking a distant bird out of the air.

Heinz picked up both himself and the wrench with a grin. Time for the games to begin!

* * *

* * *

* * *

It just figured. On a day when Candace was already overwhelmed with getting ready for a date with Jeremy, her brothers had to make things more difficult by building SOMETHING in the back yard.

The boys and Isabella had wandered off for the moment (she could hear them calling for Perry a few yards down), so at least Candace had some time to inspect their dangerous, totally-bustable invention at her leisure. She didn’t like the look of those portals, even though it was too dark inside to see where they led. The water feature was also CLEARLY a drowning risk. Definitely bustable.

She turned to head into the house, but hesitated. Maybe she should wait for them to get back? If they weren’t here playing with it when she brought Mom outside, they might deny that they had built it. It might thwart the entire busting process. Then again, if she waited too long, it might disappear before Mom got a chance to see it. Or Jeremy might show up before she had a chance to bust them.

Then it hit her. One moment the bird had been flying directly over head, the next it was all tangled up in her hair. There was no momentum to the impact; it didn’t feel like the bird had fallen on her. Just an instant ago it was flying, and now it was suddenly twenty feet lower, all tangled up and frantically trying to free itself. Candace let out a screech and staggered, trying to pull the scratching, hysterical animal off of her face, and the next thing she knew she was under water.

Fortunately, the muddy water feature was shallow; only chest-deep when she stood up and dumped the soggy, miserable bird on the side. It started to stagger off. “Ugh, my outfit is ruined. PHINEAS! I’M TELLING MOM!” By then, he and the others had apparently wandered out of earshot, so there was no reply. She tried to climb out, only to find that one of her shoes had become wedged between two of the larger rocks around the bottom.

Candace took a deep breath and knelt under the murky water again, struggling with the laces, but it was no good. She wasn’t dexterous enough to free the soggy knot. She surfaced with a gasp for air, still seething, but a low, reptilian hiss got her attention.

Down at the far end, a large saltwater crocodile had its head through the portal, and was looking directly at her.


	6. Chapter 6

Circle, circle, parry, dodge, strike, dodge. There was a rhythm to it. Watch Doof’s footing. Circle left. Watch Doof’s eyes. Dodge again.

Hand-to-hand combat with Dr. Doofenshmirtz was easy, as Doof always telegraphed every swing and strike. Once Perry had learned how to read him, he knew every move Doof was going to make—he suspected he even knew before Doof himself did. But in the last year, this easy task had also become a nerve-wracking one.

The evil scientist had lost both arms (one to a bad accident, one to a bad idea), and had replaced them with titanium prosthetics. Had he lost both arms at once, it likely would have crippled him for life, but he’d managed to perfect the one prosthetic before losing the other arm.

They were marvels of engineering, really. They were powered by the sugar in his bloodstream, and interfaced seamlessly with his nervous system. Doof likely could have made a fortune if he patented and reproduced them for the medical world, but Perry doubted that Doof would do so even if he had a way to suggest it to him.

 _Careful!_ That last swing of Doof’s had nearly taken his hat off. Six inches lower, and it would have taken his head, too. The problem with the titanium prosthetics was that they were, well, _titanium_. Allowing Doof to land even a single hit could be deadly—tantamount to being struck with a metal club. While Perry was well aware of this danger, he suspected that his nemesis was oblivious to it. Dr. Doofenshmirtz could kill him without even meaning to.

Doof gave him an opening, and Perry leapt to take advantage of it. One solid strike over the kidney would do it—painful enough to take him down long enough for Perry to locate the self-destruct button. But before his fist connected, the agent was checked in mid-air by a blow to his midsection. It knocked the air out of him and sent him rolling to the back of the platform. A kick? Probably a kick. Doof had gotten better at those recently. Ugh, he could taste the snails he had eaten for breakfast. They weren’t as good the second time around.

“Hey! I landed one! That makes, what, three this week?”

Oh, like _hell_ had he landed three. Perry let out an irritated chatter and tried to get up, only to find he’d gotten a leg tangled up in the net trap again. He gave Doof a dirty look, then went to untangle his leg.

“Okay, fine, I’ve landed _two_ hits if you don’t count the one on Monday. But the one on Monday totally counts.”

Well _obviously_ the one on Monday didn’t count. Perry had gotten free from a trap and was creeping up on Doof on top of a table, and Doof had elbowed him in the face without realizing he was there. In what universe would that legitimately count as landing a hit?

 Perry freed his feet from the net and gave himself a little shake, only to look up and discover that Doof had swiveled the Inator around and was pointing it directly at him.

“See you on the ground, Perry the Platypus!”

The next instant, Perry was in the air about ten feet above a dumpster. The garbage broke his fall well enough that only his dignity was bruised. _Damn it._

This mission wasn’t over yet, though. He had to get back up there! His glider was still up on the platform, however, so he’d need to head back home to get his jetpack. Perry checked the coordinates on the GPS on his watch; he was only about a block from home, so hopefully he wouldn’t lose much time.

He was two houses away when he heard Candace scream.

* * *

* * *

* * *

 

Candace had wrestled alligators before, but not when caught by her leg and up to her chest in water. She let out another shriek as the croc disappeared into the murky water. The only thing worse than seeing a giant crocodile about to eat you was _no longer being able to see the crocodile._

“Mom! MOM!” There was another splash; something entering the water behind her. Oh god. There had been two portals. Did another crocodile come out of the other portal!? “MOM! THERE ARE CROCODILES! **MOM!** ”

Something brushed by her waist, and she could feel the muddy water churning in front of her, but it was too opaque to make out the wrestling reptiles. “MOM! THEY’RE FIGHTING OVER WHICH ONE GETS TO EAT ME! MOM! _MOM!_ ”

After a few seconds that seemed like an eternity, one of the crocs fled back through the portal in front of her; it had a deep, painful-looking gash across its nose. She tensed, waiting for the other one that lurked beneath the water to bite down on her. Instead, something soft and furry brushed her leg. Candace yelped and kicked at whatever it was, but the drag from the water slowed her kick. Something that felt like warm suede bumped into her ankle, and she kicked again. This one connected

“Go away! Whatever you are go away! I’m not food!”

The animal, whatever it was, refused to be deterred, scratching at her shins and ankle. She’d kicked it five or six times before the shoelaces on her trapped foot somehow tore, freeing her. Almost hyperventilating, she kicked her way free and climbed out of the water, running into the house.

“MOOOOM! PHINEAS AND FERB MADE AN ALLIGATOR POND!”


	7. Chapter 7

Bronze. It was BRONZE.

Heinz could hardly contain his disgust. So stone and granite weren’t good enough? Roger was having them erect a giant BRONZE statue of himself in front of City Hall? How much had that cost? How much bronze did it take to equal a twenty-foot-tall Roger Doofenshmirtz? _Where does Roger get the money to blow it on silly things like that?_ he mused, carefully aiming his Twenty-Feet-Lower Inator.

It would have been sporting to wait for Perry to get back up here, but y’know what? Heinz had won this one fair and square. Besides, maybe Perry couldn’t catch up. After all, his hang-glider was still sitting on the back of the platform, and maybe he was all out of jetpack fuel. Rocket fuel prices had gotten so high recently that it was criminal. Thank god Norm ran on squirrel power instead.

Heinz fired, then watched in dismay as the metal of the statue reflected the beam, bouncing it harmlessly into the crowded city streets. The second shot arced high, bounced off the wing of a plane, and went down towards the suburbs where he had dropped Perry the Platypus. Ten more shots, all reflected off in random directions. Maybe if he hit a really flat smooth spot, it wouldn’t deflect it?

Those bronze eyeglasses were nice and flat. Heinz lowered the platform so he was perfectly perpendicular to them, and fired. This time, the beam bounced right back at him, hitting the inator; now instead of sitting on the platform, it was shorting out in the duck pond under him. Fantastic.

“CURSE YOU, REFLECTIVE PROPERTIES OF METAL! Ugh. Forget this. I’m going home.”

* * *

* * *

* * *

 

“MOM! MOM!”

“I think you’re being called, dear” Lawrence said, a hint of humor in his voice, digging through a box of old VHS tapes

“Nope,” Linda replied, “Must be some other teenager.”

Candace sprinted down the basement stairs. She was COVERED in mud and sopping wet, “MOM! Phineas and Ferb made an alligator pond in the backyard!”

“Candace, why are you covered in mud?”

“It tried to EAT me! It got my shoe!”

“Best go save the day, Linda,” Lawrence said with a faint smile.

She shot him a look, and started to reply, but Candace had grabbed her arm and was forcibly pulling her up the stairs. Ooh boy. Judging by the strength she was pulling with, Candace had apparently managed to psych herself into a full-on adrenaline rush. At least when she crashed in fifteen minutes or so, they’d have a more peaceful afternoon.

Shockingly, there was no alligator pond in the back yard. The only thing back there was Perry, who was also covered in mud and shaking like a leaf.

“B-b-b-b-but it was right here! I swear!”

“You and Perry weren’t playing in the new flowerbeds, were you?”

“No, there were alligators! Or maybe crocodiles? I was never 100% clear on the difference, but I tell you they were RIGHT HERE!”

“Oh, Candace.”

Just then, the gate creaked as Phineas led his friends back into the yard. “Oh, there you are, Perry!” he said with a grin, “We were looking all over for you, but I guess you never left the yard. Silly boy!” The platypus scurried over to the kids, and Ferb scooped him up.

Jeremy followed them into the yard, and Linda cringed internally when he saw Candace. Damn it, she had forgotten that the kids had made plans, otherwise she would’ve insisted that Candace get cleaned up before dragging her to the backyard. She knew how sensitive her daughter was about her appearance when Jeremy was involved.

“Uh, Candace?” he said, “Do you need a bit more time to get ready?”

Candace responded with a squeak, and dashed back into the house. There was an uncomfortable moment of silence.

“Who wants pie?” Linda said, and the kids (Jeremy included) all immediately started to head for the kitchen. Normally she would have insisted they hose Perry off before bringing him into the house all covered in mud, but right now she mostly wanted to distract them from what a mess Candace had been and give her some time to compose herself.

Besides, it was blackberry pie, which Candace had one mentioned in passing was one of the Johnson boy’s favorites.

* * *

* * *

* * *

 

Later that night, Perry headed down to his lair. He hated typing, but he supposed he should probably send Carl an e-mail explaining why he had prematurely left his mission today. Not that he had been at all shaken by having to fight a crocodile or being kicked in the face by Candace about six times. And certainly, it had nothing to do with water, of course. He was semi-aquatic, after all. It was just that his host family had been a bit suspicious about his earlier disappearance, and he needed to spend some time reinforcing his cover.

However, he was surprised to see the- what had they called it?- “Perry-tastic Synthetic Creek” sitting down in his lair. It had come disconnected from its power supply when it had moved the twenty feet down from the yard to the floor of his lair, so the portals were turned off, but other than that it seemed to be undamaged.

Cautiously, Perry approached it, and dipped his bill into the water to test with his electroreceptors. There were countless small heartbeats and tiny nerve impulses—the tell-tale signs of countless snails, crayfish, and other tiny aquatic critters—but no indication of any larger pulses. No crocs or other large predators had made it through those portals before they shut down.

For a long moment, he considered putting in a work order, then decided against it. No, this was something he could do himself. Perry crept back upstairs, fetching some scrap metal from the garage and Phineas’s rivet gun from under his bed. Before long he’d placed some protective bars across each of the portals (spaced closely enough to prevent any bigger native creatures from passing through, but widely enough to allow any potentially delicious invertibrates easy passage). That done, he plugged the portals back in, and was pleased to see them spring to life.

Perry sat there for a long time, watching his new water feature from a safe distance. He spent an even longer time laying on his belly with his bill in the water, “listening” to all of the electric chatter from the nervous systems of all the tiny snacks living down at the bottom.

The delay was completely necessary, of course. He had to be sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that nothing large or dangerous had managed to get into the water. It wasn’t fear, naturally, just prudence. Any other well-trained agent would have done _exactly_ the same. In fact, only a complete fool would have entered that water after anything less than four or five hours of observation. Maybe seven.

* * *

 

It was just after dawn when Perry climbed up onto Candace’s bed, holding her other shoe in his mouth. She was still sound asleep, so he gave his sopping wet fur a shake to wake her.

“AUGH! Perry! You’re not supposed to even be IN here! And why are you all wet!?” She glowered at him, but her eyes widened after a moment. “Wait, what do you have there?”

He dropped the shoe, and flopped over on his side, making sure to look like it had been unintentional. He watched with one eye as Candace picked up the ruined sneaker and turned it over a few times in her hands. “Where did you get this?”

She looked at him for another long moment, then her expression softened. “You see all the crazy stuff they do too, don’t you Perry?” Candace reached over and scritched the back of his neck with her fingernails. Phineas did the same thing a lot, but his nails weren’t as good for it as hers were. Perry chattered dumbly, snuggled his head against the duvet, and shut his eyes.

“Okay, _fine_ , you can stay up here this morning. But don’t get too used to it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, finally finished this one off! A big thank you to everyone who read and commented. If you enjoyed this one, keep an eye out for my next PaF fic, "Evil By Proxy".


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